Day one 500 words a day/30 days experiment

Fuck! 5/20! Not 300 but 500 words a day for 30 days!!!! Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

What do I write about? I’ve been filing stuff away in my head over and over. That would be a great story to write about. Full of good ideas and good intentions but zero willpower to do it. What am I waiting for? There’s never an ideal day or time. It just has to get done. I’m most motivated by swift kicks in the ass. At least that’s been the pattern. So, yesterday, while scrolling through FB, I saw Kirk’s post. I paused because I really admire Kirk and his commitment to writing and his raw honesty. Well, what do we have here? A challenge to write 500 words a day for 30 days. Starting tomorrow. Hmmm?!!! Interesting. What to do? Join in and be held accountable or just ignore and scroll on by? I jumped in the convo and left a comment, “Let’s do this!” Tough talk little lady. Now, it’s come time to back it up.

Just the other day, my son Tony and I were having one of our talks, about nothing at all but then got all deep. The movie Frida came up in our discussion and he was telling me that he watched it this semester in art class. I’d seen it when it came out in I don’t remember what year but a long time ago. What stood out to him was that Frida had survived a horrible accident that left her in terrible pain and really impacted her whole life. He thought it was so amazing that she put her pain on display in her art and that through her art she shared her pain with others. I thought this was a brilliant observation, because, after all, he is my son. But really, I just marveled at how right on he was about that. I said, you know, you’re right, she did use her pain as the focal point in her pieces; I should share my pain in my writing. Isn’t that what we do? At the core, don’t we all have some sort of pain that needs to be let out and released? How and when is different for everyone but essentially to hold anything in that’s painful can damage us even more. I haven’t written about my pain. Not all of it anyway. I’ve been private about most of my painful and heartbreaking moments. I’ve been taught to believe that you keep those things to yourself and you don’t have to tell everybody your business. There is something cathartic about unloading what you’ve held inside, suffering alone and in silence.

So, why not today? Fuck it. Dive right in. It’s the first day of the 30 day challenge.

I’ve never written about losing my sister at a young age. She was going to turn 7 and I was going on 12 years old. I rarely talk about her or her death. It makes me start to feel pain in my chest and tears in my eyes just at the thought of it. I haven’t dealt with it. I saw a therapist maybe twice a few years ago and she said we don’t have to go all the way back and start from the beginning. I wouldn’t even know how to do that. I see the pictures in my head flash like on a movie screen on repeat. Then I push it away again. I don’t want to go back there. How else can I learn how to accept or mourn my sister’s death? I’m not sure yet. But, I’m at 600 words now. Tomorrow, I’ll let my heart spill out on the page. Maybe these next 30 days will be about letting it out finally. This could be just what I’ve been needing. 

Thanks to Kirk Hensler. @kaleandcigarettes #500wordsaday